Today is my birthday! Ok, when you’re reading this it was yesterday, but as I am writing this I’ve been 36 now for eleven hours. Birthdays get a little more complicated as you get older don’t they? On the one hand, you’re usually pretty grateful you’re still here and on the other, you can’t help but look back and wonder why time feels to pass so quickly. Weren’t you just celebrating turning 30? Weren’t you just graduating? How are you entering your late thirties already?
Well at least those are kind of my thoughts this morning. I’ve also been reflecting on this past year and I gotta say, it sucked in all kinds of ways. Not to be too harsh, but 35 can fuck off!
Probably one of the worst things I could ever imagine happening happened while I was 35. I’m not going to go into details (maybe someday I’ll share the story, maybe not) but this spring my world flipped upside down and my heart was broken.
I share that here, in this space and for anyone to see, because the next part is very important and I’m proud of it. When I was at my lowest I made a decision and it’s a decision I wake up and try to make every single morning since. I choose to love. To love myself, to love those I care most about, to love getting a chance to live this life the way I think is valuable and important. People say love is the answer and we roll our eyes, but if we talked about how much work true love can take and how counter cultural it is at times, maybe we’d put more value into that saying.
There are some mornings where I wake up and wonder if I’m completely naive, if putting my whole heart into each day is going to mean I get crushed again and that is completely terrifying. But it’s also freeing to know that I am living my truth. I’m not holding things in, I’m not numbing anything or pushing hard shit away. I am turning 36 learning what it means to face it, the real world in all it’s pain and beauty.
I hate that saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ because it’s not true, but I am trying to face everything that has happened and will happen and own it. Sometimes the lesson can help you grow and sometimes the lesson is simply letting go. I’m finding my way!
So goodbye to 35! I’m thankful for all you’ve taught me and I’m more than ready to see you off! 36 is going to be about doing the work, enjoying the people I love the most, having new adventures, and creating the life I want. I hope you’ll come along for the ride!